Thursday, April 30, 2009

Cat Tales

Dear Miss Lilly,

I would say all this to your furry little face but your no where to be found. Not surprising after the apparent full day you had. Thanks for the 'gifts' I found when I got home.

Thank you for leaving your friend, Mouse right by the kitchen table, and on the hard wood too! Made clean up a breeze. Bless. And by the way, nice job on the decapitation. Did you go to trade school for butchering? I don't think you could have made a cleaner cut with a cleaver.

The feathers were a bit confusing. I mean it did still look like a headless mouse and all, and the feathers were the same color. Following fashion this year? It's nice your trying to expand your possibilities. It did take a while to find birdy. Your a clever one, you. The coat closet literally was the last place I thought to look, and so near the vacuum cleaner! Your an angel, love.

Thing is, you know how I feel about you on the counters. This ain't Smocha's place and you know it. Being up there is bad enough, but your absolutely forbidden to bring half dead birdy on your trips to the sink. But then, the counters really did need to be disinfected. I hadn't done them since Sunday so I see your point.

And what is the deal with bring all your little past-due friends home? Do you think Bear gets bored since he's stuck inside while you can come and go as you please? Well worry no more, soon he'll be going to work with me in the mornings.

While were at it, what have you been doing in the organ at night? I mean come on - the thing doesn't play itself. I hear you. Friends in there too?

What I'm really curious about, because you failed to actually consume any of your little friends...What exactly was in the little pile of your stomach contents on the entry way floor anyway?

Keep this up and I'll close the cat door until November.

Well? Go the next one...Shoo!

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Big Hairy Deal

I picked up a new hair product the other day. I wanted something different then the crispy wet looking hair you get with your typical gel. I wanted something that would give me more 'touchable' hair. I went to Supercuts because I remembered a product one of the girls there had used on me. I remembered it smelled good and wasn't overly stiff. So now I no longer wear gel, instead it's a 'pomade'. I went there because I knew what it smelled like, kinda new what the jar looked liked and thought it would be the easiest thing to do.

I'm somewhat regretting it. Not for the product itself. It is, and does everything it says it will, and it does smell nice. (Nice = Jay actually noticed it and commented on it) What gets me are the fascist fashion pin heads (I can say that cuz I was one once) who came up with the product marketing. As I stood there looking at it this morning I saw the product line is called 'D:tails', the product itself is 'H:def'. The pompous little marketing gnats must think it cool and edgy to misspell. It's not like they even saved a keystroke with the colon and all. But really I'm just mad at myself for paying 12 bucks for this goop.

While considering male grooming, I think I struck on an idea that could be a real money maker in these days of economic decline. If you've hung out with guys much at all, or if you've tried to raise one your self at home, surely you've noticed that we tend to grow hair in places where no human body really needs, or should have hair. If you've flipped your guy over, or looked at his under carriage you know exactly what I mean. Now realise, this is coming from a man who's nearest and dearest could be mistaken for wearing a sweater in summer when he has his shirt off. We shear him bi-annually.

So I was thinking about all the people, primarily woman, who have to put up with this hairy-ness. If we made hair removal both quick and easy, we could turn this idea into gold! Something like a cross between a Supercuts and a Speedylube. In fact the layout of a Speedylube store might make a great floor plan for this shop. The guy just rolls into the shop, hoist him up on a rack, depilitate him, and roll him on out the back door. In fact if we could include an oil change for his car in the mix, even better. Higher points on the manliness scale. It couldn't be named anything vaguely Metro-sexual either, it would scare them away too. We'll borrow 'Details' from the marketing gnats, you know, like you detail a car.

And of course it would have to be quick, easy and COMPLETELY painless or you'd never have a return customer. I'm thinking like that 'Nads' stuff that nice Iranian lady and her daughters sell on TV.

So there you go, all I ask is a small cut of the profits. Your welcome.

I posted this on my Facebook 'wall' yesterday: Some say good things come to those that wait. Some just call it procrastinate.

The hidden message was that Jay finally found the receipt for the camera he gave me for Christmas that he broke. I've been putting off buying a new one hoping this might happen. Then I got to thinking. There was nothing wrong with the camera until he broke it. Why would they give us another one for free? I'm certainly willing to let him return it and do the 'shuck and jive' to get a new one, but I'm worried. Can one accrue karmic debt by association?